I Feel Fat Today…

Gosh I feel fat today. Fat is not a feeling, they say. Right, but it’s how I feel right now. I say “how I feel”, because, objectively, I am not fat. I have some body fat, as does any normal human being (and I hate the word “normal”, but still) but I am not what would be considered as a fat woman.

I have always been self-conscious growing up, and as far as I can remember, I have always struggled with body image, loving myself one day, hating myself the next. I think that has a lot to do with the way my mom behaved, praising my beauty and intelligence whilst despising her own physique. My mom has been dieting all her life, and it was very important for her to teach me nutrition; she didn’t want me to be in a lifelong fight with my body and my weight, as she did (and still does). Here I am, nevertheless; a self-love advocate, crying over my squishy tummy on my bedroom floor.

Does that make me a hypocrite? Don’t get me wrong, I feel very good about myself most of the time. This little voice inside always comes back though, at times when I am a little more vulnerable: when I am trying on new underwear, or when my really hot 20-year-old colleague wears a particularly revealing outfit. The question is : “Where does that little voice come from?” I now it is hard for us all, women in particular, to feel good in our own skin, since society is so mean to us and always willing to impose its standards. The thing is, when I am trying to rationalise my issues, I always come to the same conclusion: I do not have any valid reason to feel that way. I check nearly, if not all, society’s imposed boxes, and I still can’t reach a perfect peace of mind, or an absolute self-love. Torturing myself with this thoughts, refusing to watch my own reflection in my bedroom mirror, it suddenly hits me: I can’t, and will never, check all of society’s boxes, because it is truly impossible! Everybody has a role model, an example of an ideal body in mind that they would like to resemble, but this model is different from one person to the other. Society imposes its vision of perfection, and of “what must be”, but doesn’t acknowledge perfection. You will always find someone to criticize you, no matter how good you look, how smart, or kind, you are. We tend to dismiss this simple fact, making us forget that what we think of ourselves when we take a look in a mirror is not really our thoughts, but merely a reflection of society’s ruling.

In society, there’s so much about what a woman should be, and, of course, it’s just so unobtainable. You can never become that thing, because it’s such a projection.” – Agyness Deyn

Now that I have realized that, I have decided to come to terms with the fact that I cannot feel good about myself all the time. And you cannot either. We should not ever feel that way, but it doesn’t mean that our feelings are any less valid. When you feel it coming though, when you begin to hear that little voice telling you that you are not enough, don’t listen! Find coping mechanisms that will make you happy again. Set your ideals goals and stick to them, trying to become the best version of yourself you can ever be, based on YOUR OWN standards. Find your happy. Do what you want to do, for you.  

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